i can offer no excuse for myself

I guess I shouldn’t say that I can’t offer an excuse, more that I won’t. My life is, in some ways, vastly different now than it used to be. In some ways it hasn’t changed a bit. It’s getting on in the evening, I’m a bit sunburned, and quite tired but I’ll try to explain.

My job, which I have always loved, is being carried out in a much different way than ever before. This is fabulous and frustrating all at the same time. I’m working very hard to understand what’s actually expected of me these days and not always succeeding. But I’m trying.

The kittens are amazing and I wouldn’t be doing half as well as I am without them. I’m missing them like crazy tonight because I’m at my sister’s house dog-sitting.

And I’ve come to the conclusion that relationships with men, any men, just aren’t for me right now. D is really, truly, undeniably gone now. The guy is on his way out permanently as well. I had a single date with a man who looked kind of good on paper but turned out to be just a awful as most of the men in my life have been. Fortunately the price of that lesson was nothing more serious than the expenditure of time I sat sitting across from him while eating breakfast at my favorite place to go for a Belgian waffle.

So I guess I’m kind of, finally, coming into my own for real. I feel like I’m free to express myself as I see fit. I feel like my mental health is more stable than it’s ever been. I feel like the relationships I’m choosing to maintain are healthy. In general I just feel like I’m in a pretty good place right now, and that feels amazing.

the flavor makes a difference

TRIGGER WARNING – This post is going to discuss suicide. It won’t be really graphic but if you think you’ll be triggered or upset, might want to skip reading this one.

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the best boyfriends ever have chest hair

When Evie and Sissy passed last October I was devastated. They had been born in the bottom of my closet so we had been together for nearly 18 years. The silence they left behind was deafening. And the hole in my heart was huge. I wasn’t sure I’d recover enough to be a kitty momma again.

But then around my birthday, in March, I got the urge to adopt kittens. I had done my grieving and was ready. I went to the shelter and, well, the rest is history.

They’re ornery, they’re loud, they’re a little rude. Garth has a thing for the computer which makes blogging tricky. Eric is needy. I couldn’t love them more.

I just installed a “live” wallpaper on my little tablet that looks like a koi pond for Garth, which was great until he used his nose to open Pinterest. Eric has learned to ask to be picked up.

As for me, I have never loved being treated like furniture more in my entire life. These little hooligans are the best therapy I could have ever asked for.

setting ’em up so i can knock ’em down

I really have been trying to hit the RESET button on my life lately. It may sound odd, but when the big shake up at work happened, lots of other things happened at about the same time. Some of it has been amazing, some of it not so much. So lately I’ve been trying to figure out what I really want my life to look like. Because, honestly, I get to make that decision, doncha know.

Here are some of the revelations I’ve made…

  • I like being alone, most of the time.
  • I don’t ever have to be alone because I have Mom and some amazing friends.
  • I’m a lot smarter than I usually think and I should use those smarts to my advantage.
  • I’m happiest when I allow myself time to be creative.
  • I won’t make time in my world for drama anymore.

I’ve been trying to work on some of the self-care bits that have fallen by the wayside lately, like taking vitamins and eating properly. Between my therapist and Mom I’m getting a lot better at both of those. I’m also doing my damndest to set aside time every work day for a real lunch break and some knitting. It all helps.

My kitten commander is back, best get back to work…

 

some of the other things I’ve been doing lately – a post in list form

  • knitting again, two shawls at the same time
  • making jewelry, not much but some
  • taking care of myself, mostly
  • petting little orange kittens
  • figuring out what this life of mine is all about and, more importantly, what it is NOT about
  • spending time with people who love me for who I am and NOT spending time with people who have ulterior motives
  • taking a ridiculous number of pictures of little orange kittens
  • I moved offices again, just across the hall this time
  • enjoying my African violets, two of which are actively blooming right now
  • saving a little money using a big green glass jar (coins) and an envelope (dollar bills)

let me explain… no, that will take too long… let me sum up instead

Life is still pretty fucking crazy, as evidenced by the fact that it’s been damn near a month since I’ve blogged. We aren’t going to talk about the seriously sad state of my personal email inbox. But…

Kittens.

Garth, my tiny one, is obsessed with the computer. He’s sitting next to the laptop right now keeping a watchful eye on the cursor and the mouse. It’s maddening.

Life otherwise is incredibly good, just busy. I’m working a lot, spending time with the kitties, handing out with Mom. There really isn’t a guy, and I like that. Sometimes I get to do stuff with Miz T. It’s enough, in the best possible way.

I do want to get caught up with things but I’m starting to wonder if maybe it wouldn’t be best to just kind of scrap some things and begin at the beginning again. In good news, I’m knitting again. So yay.

it’s hard to stay too pissed at him

and then…

I had an interview this morning for a legit teaching gig. It’s adjunct, just one class, would meet just one day a week. The course itself is built I would just need to deliver it. It’s ideal.

And if someone backs out who has already agreed to teach, it’s MINE.

life? who has time for a life?

we are adorable, no?

I’m not blaming my lack of a life on the babies, not at all. I’m blaming my lack of a life on the life I do have. Let me attempt to explain.

I think I have a sinus infection, maybe. There’s something going on with my sinuses that causes me to get a raging headache every night. It always starts around 7pm. I’m kind of miserable.

Work is crazy busy. It’s good, but it’s tiring. And I’ll be traveling this summer to a conference. Also good but also tiring.

I have been making some difficult decisions about personal relationships. They’re difficult but necessary, which I think is maybe the worst kind. Having little pink kitten toes around helps with this.

I’m not totally ashamed to admit that I was nearly 2 weeks behind on some of the laundry and went a solid week without doing anymore than was utterly necessary. But enough is enough.

So while it pains me to be gone from here for so long, I know that it’s partially because I’m out there living. I need balance again, desperately I need balance. One day at a time.

everything is perfect just as it is

Eric the Red on the left, sprawled out, and baby brother & sidekick, Garth, on the right

There are babies in my house. They aren’t tiny babies, but babies none the less. I adopted these little hellions from the local humane society shelter last night. They’re six months old, litter mates, already neutered, and so incredibly fucking cute. This morning I had a front row seat for kitten wrestling, it was adorable. And when they sleep it’s together. This is what I’ve been wanting.

Overall I would have to say that the birthday week has been awesome, and I won’t even add my usual “all things considered” caveat to that.

Today is a vacation day so I can bond with the kittens and just relax. April is going to be even busier, if that’s possible.

Anyway, for what it’s worth, spend the $6 on the catnip squirrel, the cats will love it.

this just fucking sucks

Today starts my birthday week. Many of us remember how utterly shit last year’s birthday was. Monumentally shitty. But I thought, hey, this is a non-decade birthday and I have some plans that involve friends. It’s gonna be epic, right?

Sort of.

The guy came over last night, as per usual, and was almost entirely non-communicative. He wasn’t affectionate, he wasn’t talkative, nothing. Bedtime was actually painful because I just wanted to snuggle and he was having no part of it. Fine, whatever, he’s not worth getting pissed off about.

I have no idea how late he was awake but he didn’t wake up until noon. We needed to leave for the studio at 1pm for my party. He didn’t shower or shave or anything. And once the party started he still barely spoke.

When we got back to the house he just sat down and started playing with his phone, as usual. I told him I had things to do so he needed to leave. He huffed off, no hug or anything, and truth be told I really don’t care if I ever see him again.

Apparently he’s back in that mindset where it’s totally ok to take advantage of me. And I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. He told me that he’s upset that I’ve started talking to an old friend (a guy) and that he’s afraid he’ll lose me.

Guess what asshole, you just did.